


I’m Getting Tired, And I Need Somewhere To Begin (Reunited Remix)

by trashing-the-trashmouth (summerforbran)



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), Angst, Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Remix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:07:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26245390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/summerforbran/pseuds/trashing-the-trashmouth
Summary: Richie died a few months ago. He knows that. What he doesn’t know is why he’s come back on Halloween night. Or what the mysterious one-handed watch he’s wearing means.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12
Collections: Derry Remixed 2020





	I’m Getting Tired, And I Need Somewhere To Begin (Reunited Remix)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mseg_21](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mseg_21/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Reunited](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15804792) by [mseg_21](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mseg_21/pseuds/mseg_21). 



> This is my fic for Derry Remixed 2020. Inspired by mseg_21’s beautiful fic Reunited!

_Memories._

At the end of a life, all anybody has are memories. This is true for everyone. Both the living, and the dead. For the living, the memories of the dead start off heavy. Painful. Everything is a reminder of who you’ve lost. Your broken heart. Eventually, the pain subsides. It happens slowly at first, until you can remember the good moments without tears coming to your eyes. Sooner or later, the memories become enjoyable once again. Maybe they even make you laugh. Of course, the pain is never completely gone. Every once in a while, often at the most inconvenient of times, you’ll feel its sharp sting. A reminder that the pain is very much still there. Your loved one is still gone. Though this happens less and less as time goes on, and life will slowly become as normal as it can possibly be without somebody who had been so important to you. Time doesn’t necessarily heal the wound, but it makes living with it bearable. Still, the pain hurts just as much as it always did when you _do_ feel it.

The dead have their memories, too. For Richie, the memories came in flashes. Most of the time they were too fast to pick out exactly what was happening. It was like a fever dream, playing over and over again. Though he was dimly aware that there was no waking up from it. It always ended with the truck crashing into him, before it looped again. Even in all of the confusion, Richie could always pick out Eddie’s face. Without fail. The comfort that Eddie always brought him was the one thing that he could always count on in the never ending loop of memories that he wasn’t quite sure were real or not. He didn’t even know how long it had been going on. It could’ve been a day or ten years. It wouldn’t have made a difference.

***  
Richie Tozier woke up that Halloween night in a graveyard, feeling as though he’d been brought out of a long nightmare. He was panicked, and confused. Of course, he had no idea that it was Halloween at first. All he knew for sure was that he was dead, and he had been gone for a while. The last thing he remembered was a warm July evening. It definitely wasn’t July anymore. That much was obvious. Even if Richie couldn’t feel the chill in the air. He sat up, and pulled his knees up to his chest.

Though Richie knew what had happened to him, it took him a minute to work up the nerve to check out his surroundings. The first thing he noticed was the odd watch on his wrist. Everything he was wearing belonged to him except for the watch. It didn’t take Richie long to realize that it only had one hand, and seemed to be counting down to midnight. “Not a lot of time,” he muttered, absently tapping on the watch’s glass face. There was no way to reset it, as far as he could tell. No way to give himself even a little more time until… whatever was going to happen to him at midnight.

Even though Richie knew that his time back was probably limited, it took another couple minutes before he could will himself to stand. He was shaky at first, but that passed quickly. Reluctantly, he turned to get a look at the gravestone he’d been lying in front of. Reading his own name on it drew an agonized sound out of him. It was a sound that he’d never even think he’d be capable of making. With a trembling hand, he traced over his name. He was dead, and there was nothing he could do to change that. The gravestone was a testament to that. He gave himself another moment to mourn, but he knew he couldn’t waste any more time. He pulled up the hood of the light hoodie he was wearing, and made his way out of the cemetery.

***  
The walk home made it apparent that it was Halloween night. That was jarring, and he didn’t know what to think about that. Groups of kids and teenagers all blew past him, seemingly not even seeing him. At least once, a kid would run by him and stop for just a second before they decided to brush off whatever had made them stop running, and join up with their group again. Halloween had been Richie and Eddie’s favorite holiday for as long as he could remember. There were nothing but amazing memories associated with Halloween, and they had never outgrown it (even if Eddie would sometimes roll his eyes at Richie’s costume ideas). Memories of the silly couple’s costumes he and Eddie wore throughout the years, endless scary movie marathons, getting drunk with the rest of the Losers all raced through Richie’s head. Richie had never even considered the possibility that last Halloween would be the last year he’d be a part of those celebrations. It still didn’t seem real. Nothing felt real anymore.

The sight of the house darkened and with no decorations made a lump form in Richie’s throat. Their house never looked that dark. If Richie wanted to be optimistic, he would try to tell himself that Eddie had gone to somebody else’s house for Halloween. Something told him that wasn’t true, though. Eddie’s car sat forlornly in the driveway. Unless somebody had picked him up, Eddie was home… alone. Unbidden, an image of Eddie alone in their room flashed through Richie’s mind, and he felt a tightness in his chest. If a dead person’s (ghost?) heart could break, Richie was positive his just had. Without thinking, he sprinted across the street, and up to the front door of what used to be his house. The house he and Eddie had bought together.

Richie tried to open the door, and cursed. Locked. He stepped back and put his hands in his pockets, contemplating getting in through a window. That is, until his hand brushed against something metallic. He fished it out, half expecting it to be a key he’d never seen before, but it was his old house key. Even the keychain was the same. It was an engraving of a picture he and Eddie had taken at Ben and Bev’s wedding a couple years ago. Eddie had given it to him on his birthday the year before. He ran his thumb over the engraving, letting his emotions wash over him. He couldn’t let himself wait outside for too long, though. If he waited any longer, he was afraid that he’d lose his nerve. One last question passed through his mind before he put the key into the lock: _What’s going to happen to Eddie if I disappear again?_

***  
The last thing Richie expected was a very intoxicated Eddie yelling, and coming at him with a fire poke. Though he wasn’t scared. Even if Eddie got a hit in, Richie doubted it would hurt him. _What can you do to physically hurt a dead person?_ That wasn’t to say that Eddie didn’t completely catch Richie off guard. He could barely comprehend what Eddie was saying.

“I’m serious. Get out. Now.” Eddie’s voice was a low growl. Richie had never heard like him sound like that before. Not when they were growing up together, and certainly not in the years they’d been a couple.

Richie held his hands out defensively. “Since when is a man not welcome at his own house?” The fire poke fell from Eddie’s hands to the floor. The silence that followed it was deafening.

Richie watched helplessly as Eddie moved away from him, muttering to himself. “Eds… please.” He took a step towards Eddie, but the fear in his eyes made Richie stop in his tracks. Eddie was _afraid_ of him. That was undeniable, and for Richie, unfathomable. He would _never_ hurt Eddie. They’d been together for eighteen years. They’d been so deeply in love. Richie was still in love. He wanted to think that’s why he was back. “It’s me. It’s just me.”

Then Eddie stumbled backwards, and Richie’s thoughts were disrupted. Without thinking, he rushed towards Eddie as he fell back, and caught him in his arms, and knelt down. “I’ve got you,” he murmured, gingerly running a hand through Eddie’s hair. “C’mon babe, breathe for me. Please.” He cradled Eddie’s face between his hands. Just like old times. “You’re okay. It’s okay.”

“You’re dead. I saw you,” Eddie muttered, but Richie saw that he was starting to calm down. If only just a little bit. “Richie…”

Eddie’s eyes opened, and Richie saw all of the questions in them. All of the emotions Eddie was feeling. Richie knew that his expression would be the same one Eddie had on his face if their positions had been reversed. He knew for a fact that Eddie had never believed in ghosts. He wasn’t even sure what _he’d_ thought about the paranormal before his accident. In all honesty, Richie didn’t feel like a ghost. He didn’t feel any different from when he was alive. “Hi, Eds.” Richie grinned at Eddie. That same old goofy grin he’d always had. Nothing about that had changed, at least.

Suddenly, Eddie reached up to touch Richie’s face. Richie pretended that he didn’t see the heartbreak in Eddie’s eyes. 

“Are you a- are you a ghost?” Eddie asked, his hand still caressing Richie’s face. 

Richie didn’t want to break that physical contact with Eddie. If it was up to him, he’d never let go of him again. Richie pressed his lips against Eddie’s temple and closed his eyes, savoring the feeling of Eddie’s hair against his skin. “I don’t know, Eds. I don’t feel dead, if that’s what you’re asking.” Richie confessed, reluctantly moving his head to get a better look at Eddie’s face. “I woke up in the cemetery a little while ago. Nobody seemed to be able to see me on my way home. These clothes are mine, but this watch…” Richie let his sentence cut off as he held his hand out to Eddie, letting him get a look at the watch. “I’ve never seen anything like it before.”

Eddie wrapped his fingers around Richie’s wrist, and inspected the watch closely. For a second, Richie almost believed the Eddie would tell him exactly what it was. Like it was the simplest thing in the world. “Midnight… do you think?”

“That this is some kind of Cinderella shit?” Richie tried to say it lightheartedly, as though he didn’t think that’s exactly what it was. He wanted to hold out hope that he could be with Eddie forever. If he got a real second chance, he’d never take anything about his life for granted again. He’d get a job that didn’t require him to tour all over the country. A job where he could just stay at home with Eddie. He didn’t want fame anymore. Richie had been reaching a point where he was growing tired of everything being a comedian required of him, anyway. He and Eddie could’ve had a comfortable life together.

“How-” Eddie seemed to be struggling with what he wanted to ask. “How do I know that you’re really Richie?” He finally managed to get out, looking miserable. “You look like yourself, but it’s been three months, Rich. I feel like I’m going fucking crazy here.”

Richie thought over Eddie’s question. He couldn’t blame Eddie for being skeptical. How many people’s dead boyfriend showed up at their house three months after their death? Of course it seemed insane. “I hear ya, Eds.” Richie looked over Eddie’s distraught face, desperate to come up with a halfway decent answer. Suddenly, it clicked. Richie told Eddie about their Junior Prom. Eddie had had run out during a panic attack after they both drank spiked punch, and Eddie admitted he was in love with Richie. “I followed you outside-“

“-and kissed me. You kissed me,” Eddie finished. “Our first kiss.” Before Richie could even react, Eddie’s arms were around his neck. “It’s you!” Eddie choked out a sob, and buried his face in Richie’s shoulder. “It’s really you. I’ve missed you so fucking much.”

Richie felt Eddie shaking against him, and wrapped his arms around his waist. It hit him just how much grief Eddie must’ve been carrying the last few months. They stayed like that for a while, not moving or speaking. Neither of them wanted to shatter peace of the moment. “I know, I’m so sorry. I never wanted to leave you,” Richie whispered, and kissed Eddie’s neck. “I’m here for you now.”

Eventually, Richie helped Eddie off the floor and brought him over to the couch. “No decorations this year?” There were no accusations in Richie’s voice, he even tried to keep the sadness out of it. He was just curious.

“I couldn’t bring myself to decorate,” Eddie answered, looking up at Richie with tears threatening to flow from his eyes. “I couldn’t do it without you. Halloween was supposed to be _our_ day, Rich. It’s always been our day!”

“The Losers aren’t here.” Richie gave Eddie a sad smile, and wrapped his arms around him again. “I don’t want you to just stop-”

“They offered to hang out, but I told them I wasn’t feeling it,” Eddie cut Richie off mid-sentence, his voice much softer than normal. “I couldn’t bring myself to do anything for Halloween without you.” He shrugged, tears finally falling from his eyes. “I just couldn’t.”

Richie struggled with what he could even say to that. His mind was racing, and he had no idea what he could say to comfort Eddie. How he could even begin to make anything up to him. If Richie could’ve gone back in time to tell himself not to go on that tour, he would’ve in a heartbeat. “I’m sorry,” his voice sounded small and pathetic to his own ears. What would that do for Eddie? Richie was still dead. 

Instead of Eddie berating Richie, he grabbed his face, and kissed him. Richie made a surprised sound against Eddie’s lips, before kissing him back just as passionately. Eddie’s hands were tangled up in Richie’s hair, not being particularly careful not to pull it. Richie didn’t mind. It wasn’t long before Eddie had gently pushed Richie back, and all but climbed on top of him. Not once breaking the kiss.

The kiss only ended when Eddie glanced at Richie’s watch. They had so little time left. 

Richie’s eyes wandered from Eddie’s face to the watch. “It’ll get easier, Eds. One day you won’t miss me at all.” Rid had meant it as a joke, but immediately regretted it when Eddie punched his arm.

“How the fuck can you say that?”

“It was a joke. In hindsight, not my best.”

“You fuckin’ think? You’re dead’s Richie. There’s nothing funny about it!” Eddie was getting upset again. He was biting his bottom lip, and shaking. “ _Nothing_ funny!”

“I’m… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Richie sat up again, and draped an arm over Eddie’s shoulders.

“I couldn’t expect you not to make at least one joke, right?” Eddie seemed to have recovered a little, but his eyes were still glistening. One of his hands was absently tracing circles on Richie’s thigh. Eddie hesitated before talking again. As though he wasn’t sure how ask what was on his mind. Or he just really didn’t want to voice it out loud. “Do you-” Another moment’s hesitation. “What’s the last thing you remember?”

“Before I died?” Richie asked, his brows furrowing.

Eddie nodded. “It’s okay if you don’t want to! I- I shouldn’t have even asked.” 

“No, it’s okay,” Richie reassured him. “I really don’t remember that much. “I don’t really remember that much. It’s really just flashes of memories,” he began. “I know I called you after I picked up my luggage, but after that I just remember a lot of noise and lights. Then… nothing.”

Eddie frowned slightly. If nothing else, it was a relief that Richie didn’t remember feeling pain or fear. He didn’t know how he’d react if Richie had said he remembered all of the pain that he must’ve felt at the end.

“I get flashes of other memories, too. Happy memories,” Richie continued. “You’re in all of them, and so are the others. I don’t know where I’ve been the last few months, but I know that I’ve missed you. All of you.”

“They’ve missed you too. We all have.”

“Glad to know that all the jokes about wanting me gone were lies.” That proved to be another ill conceived joke, as Eddie did nothing but glare at Richie.

“Sometimes I just forget that you aren’t here anymore. That’s the worst part of all of this,” Eddie confessed. “I’ll be okay all day, and then I’ll send you a text or something. It’s so fucked up.” Eddie’s voice wavered, and he shook his head. “A couple days after your funeral, I went to lunch with Bev, Stan, and Mike. Stan asked an empty chair why it was being so quiet, because he was expecting you to be there. He had to go to the bathroom to calm himself down.”

“Fuck.” Richie had barely been aware of his own tears. He didn’t even know that he _could_ still cry, but that pushed him over the edge. “Eds, I-“

“I know. I know you are.” Eddie grabbed Richie’s face again, and held eye contact with him. “It’s not your fault that life is fucked up. None of us anticipated this. Okay?” He stated firmly. Though his eyes were still swimming with tears. “There’s not a day goes by that we don’t miss you. I think that I see you everywhere. I wake up thinking that you’ll be sleeping next to me. Or that you’ll walk out of the bathroom at any minute. Maybe this’ll get easier one day, and I won’t be in so much pain. You are the love of my life, and that will never change.”

Richie looked down at his hands numbly as the tears flowed freely from his eyes. “I’ve never been good at talking about my emotions. You know that,” he began. “But you’re my life. You always have been. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me at midnight. Maybe I disapprove, or maybe I get to stay with you. Nothing changes how much I still love you.”

Richie pulled Eddie into another kiss, just as passionate as the previous one. 

When Eddie broke away, he was smiling. It was a small smile, but it was a smile nonetheless. “We still have a little over an hour until midnight,” he pointed out. “We can watch Halloween. Just like always.”

“Yeah, of course,” Richie agreed. It wasn’t long before they’d found the remote, and Eddie turned the movie on. Though their watch through was different from every other year. There was no quoting the movie, or trying to scare each other during tense moments. They just held onto each other. Richie doubted either of them were paying any attention to the movie. They just wanted to be together for a while more. They wanted something to feel normal. Something that didn’t feel fucked up. If only for a little while.

***  
“What do you think is gonna happen at midnight?” Eddie’s voice cut through Richie’s own thoughts, startling him. He hadn’t even realized that they were already halfway through the movie. How did that happen?

“I don’t know. Maybe I turn into a pumpkin?” Richie grinned. “That way you can-”

“If you say I can eat you whenever I want, I’ll find a way to speed up time to midnight right now.” Eddie couldn’t stop himself laughing at his own mock threat. Which made Richie laugh in return. They laughed for a long time. When one of them seemed to calm down, even slightly, they were drawn back by the other’s laughter. It felt good just to laugh like that.

Eventually, Eddie calmed down enough to wipe away his tears of laughter. “Really, Rich. What do you think is going to happen?” A hint of laughter was still audible in Eddie’s voice, as though he was trying very hard not to break out into giggles again.

“I don’t know. Maybe I just disappear? I’m new at coming back from the dead. I don’t know everything.”

“I don’t want you to leave again! You’re here _now_! You should be able to stay.”

“I don’t want to leave, either. If I had the choice, I’d never leave you again.” Richie sighed, and squeezed Eddie’s hand. “Why don’t you catch me up on the good things I’ve missed? I’m sure not everything is doom and gloom.”

Eddie thought Richie’s question for a while, as if things that didn’t hurt had somehow become harder to identify than things that did. “Well, Ben finally popped the question about a month ago. It was on their anniversary, and he wanted all of us to be a part of it,” he answered. “I brought a picture of you… so you could be there, too.” Eddie averted his gaze, as though he was embarrassed to say that out loud, but Richie felt a swell of pride in his chest.

“Wow, Haystack finally made his move,” Richie said, approvingly. “God, I wish I could’ve been there to see it.” He smiled, and nudged Eddie. “Are you gonna get tipsy at their wedding, and dance to Cotton Eye Joe, or whatever crazy kids play at their weddings nowadays?” He winked.

“I’m 35 years old, dumbass!” 

“So what? You can line dance with the best of them, I’ve seen you.” Richie’s expression shifted, and he suddenly looked very sincere. “I’m happy for them, I really am. It’s been a long time coming, huh?“ A genuine smile spread across Richie’s face. He’d always known that Ben would eventually would propose, it was nice to know that he’d finally done it. Not that there was any question that Bev would say yes. They’d been together nearly as long as Richie had been with Eddie.

Eddie nodded, but he had a far off look in his eyes. As though his mind had left the conversation they’d been having extremely far behind. 

“You deserve happiness as much as everybody else, Eds,” Richie said after a while, suddenly seeming very sober. 

“You were my good thing, Rich.” Eddie looked up at him, his eyes were pleading for something. Richie just wished he’d be able to give him what he was asking for.

“I need you to promise me something. Before whatever’s gonna happen at midnight.” 

“A promise?” Eddie asked, his expression changing from surprised to suspicious. “What kind of promise?”

“I want you to move on from me. If I can’t stay, I want you to move on.” It was easier for Richie to say that than he’d expected it would be. Though the look on Eddie’s face told him that it wasn’t quite so painless for him. He tried to argue, but Richie cut him off. “Hey! Listen to me,” he said, gripping Eddie’s shoulders. “The last thing I want is for you to be alone, and miserable. That’s not fair to you.” Richie grabbed Eddie’s hand, and brought his knuckles up to his lips.

“You’ve always been here, Rich. I don’t know what my life is supposed to be like without you in it.”

“I need you to _try_. For yourself,” Richie begged. “I’m not asking you to jump headfirst into a relationship with the next dude who talks to you, and I’m not asking you to forget me. I’m just asking you to be open. You deserve to be happy for the rest of your life… and you can’t do that while you’re holding onto me so tightly, Eds.”

Eddie glanced at the TV, and saw that the movie was nearly over. He took a deep breath, and nodded. “I promise that I’ll try,” he answered.

Satisfied, Richie nodded. “That’s all I can ask you to do.” Richie let out a shaky laugh, and looked at his watch. Ten minutes. _Time’s almost up, Tozier._ He saw Eddie looking at it, too. He needed to lighten the mood. “You know… we can be quick. Remember Bev’s 24th birthday? We were back before the waitress took our dessert order!”

Eddie rolled his eyes, and playfully punched Richie’s arm. “We’re not having sex, asshole!” 

Richie chuckled, and held his hands out in surrender. “Okay, okay! Bad idea. What do you want me to do?”

“Just… just hold me,” Eddie whispered, holding his arms out. “Please…”

Richie gave a small smile, and embraced Eddie. “I can do that,” Richie murmured, resting his forehead on Eddie’s shoulder. 

Eddie wrapped his arms around Richie’s waist, and laced his fingers together. He pressed his face against Richie’s chest, taking in the scent that he had known so well. When Richie was alive, his scent was the first thing that would come to Eddie in the morning. After three months, it had started to fade. As though Richie had never been there at all.

They stayed like that for a long time, not speaking or talking. They didn’t need to. They had each other, and that was all they needed.

“You’ve made me the happiest man on earth, Richie Tozier. I’ll always love you, no matter what,” Eddie said when he finally pulled back slightly. He was crying again, in spite of himself.

“I love you too, Eddie. More than I could ever tell you.” Tears were flowing down Richie’s cheeks, too. His watch told him that they now had just under a minute left before midnight.

They leaned in at the same time, both desperate to get in their final kiss. Richie’s eyes closed as his lips touched Eddie’s, and he ran his hand through Eddie’s hair. He wasn’t even truly aware when he began fading away. There was only one last thought on his mind when everything began to get fuzzy, and faded out:

_Goodnight Eddie, my love._


End file.
